An Open Letter To Our Dogs

I found this on the internet and added some things and personalized it. I hope you enjoy it.

Dear Shyloh and Bella,

Since you both seem to have so much trouble understanding English, no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, Allow me to assure you that you two are not starving. The way you both visually track every bite of food I take, with a trembling expression of frantic pleading, is most annoying.

Also, the dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

We've been walking the same route around the same block for years. To sob, whine, and tremble every time I get your leash is just crazy.

Here's a news flash: The next-door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them in person you flop on your back and let them rub your tummy. As a guard dogs, you're both about as intimidating as a gerbil.

There is nothing of value hidden in the back yard. Stop digging for buried treasure!

The stuff in the trash can is not your food. Oh, and your shocked look of innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as persuasive as the evidence left strewn around the kitchen.

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

And most importantly, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough.